usual observations..

ive been inside since saturday: i look pale, my hair is greasy, ive got this gigantic zit on my cheek and i need a good shaving, exfoliating and moisturising (not my face, no - my body parts thank you very much).

yes, folks: im sick. not only mentally (we all know that by now) but physically. this damn flu.

mind you, got the jab last week.

i am NOT ever getting that jab thing AGAIN. it is not worth the prick and the side effects. but when they offered it for FREE at work, of course i booked myself. free is free rite?

ive been entertaining myself by watching DVDs, trying to work on my assignment (yeah rite) and basically chatting to my friends (colleagues via email, girlfriends [and fuck buddies of course] via MSN).

Last nite, C, L (girlfriends) and myself were on a three-way chat on MSN. First it was me and L - we were both browsing on Ann Summers' website. i feel like buying some lingerie. end of story. if im going to get some nooky back home, i have to improvise. so i saw this leopard print set..listen to this: a nice bra with slits so the nipples are exposed and crotchless panties.. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....i like mucho.

then there was this black lace sexy cami. i like mucho mucho too. will probably buy that. im blessed in the upper shelf department so it will look good. praise the lord.

would like a whip to crack it around - my friend C forbade me to do so - she said, i cant be trusted with those stuff - i might get carried away. i think she's right. i have a lot of anger bottled up in me -

i never heard that a guy is NOT turned on by tits. i cant quite believe that. my friend C's bf, does NOT get turned on with boobies. but prefers some backside sightings... probably both are liked, but not to like boobs???? is that freaky or what? i would def. freak out if my guy didnt like boobs...its like saying a girl doesnt like it when a guy's gearbox is erect!!!!!

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i must admit - im addicted to shower gels and body creams. not the cheap 99p ones. but from Molton Brown to Jo Malone - can't get quite enough of them. must stop. must must stop. just saw my credit card bill. will stop...

how can i? this body deserves the best.....prrrr

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i can't believe this crap.

last week, two guys that i used to date, contacted me on msn just to say 'hello'. both of them asking me when im going back home for xmas.

and yes, both of them want to fuck my brains out.

what is it with guys? when ur in the same country as them, they don't bother...they don't call...and THEN all of a sudden, you move to another country, you get over them, you simply forget them, and out of the frigging blue, they bounce back to life. what the fuck?

so...there's KT and D. KT is big fun - he is a great drinking buddy..nothing ever materialised with him...i was still hung up about K and well, i was acting weird, and well i totally fucked it up by being paranoid and clingy...we kinda remained friends...but lost contact for over a year until he messages me like 2 months ago. we both updated each other about our lives and that's that. last week i was minding my own business watching a dvd and KT messages me....and he gave me enough bait to say that he wants us to get together and get it on. KT is def. NOT the type of guy who will get into a long-term serious relationship...he's too fucked up trying to find himself...going from one job to the other...he always has a new venture - from working as a real estate agent, having a tile business to advertising?????!!!! his latest news is that he wants to move to spain...i dont know what else...

anyways..he's good looking and i love his company..but im not feeling it..even though i might be gagging for a nice shag, i've lost my mojo i think.

Then there's D - D is seperated with two daughters and he informed me last week that his sep. is legalised now. when i broke up with K, i only wanted a fuck buddy - possibly not 100% attracted to a f.b. so i won't have any feelings involved. and D came along. sometimes his face reminds me of Frankenstein. he's a screwed up person but i can twist him around my little finger anytime i want.... and we fight like an old married couple. by the way too....i know..complicated.

anyways, D, wants a piece of me too...

i have bad news for both KT and D -- I'm fed up of going back in the past, rekindling something for an hour...then back in reality..rocking back and forth is getting me giddy to be honest....it's all about future tense now...no K, no KT and no D.....finally...

i am feeling very weird lately - weird in the sense that i feel like i don't know where i belong anymore...

i moved to the uk to improve my career supposingly...after a year, now i realise that a) i wanted to run away; b) i hoped that things with K will improve.

K is here in the UK. We sort of got together for lunch in February - no one had the decency to call back (well, I took him out to lunch coz it was his bday - he had to pay coz a) i had no cash on me, b) my cards got rejected - embarrassing, yes) so i had promised him that i will call again and take him out...

never did - didn't have the balls. even though i love the guy like mad...i froze. i am afraid of rejection...especially from him..

sometimes i wish i can wake up and forget the last 2 years of my life..well, the last 2 years of my life being the good and bad times with K and the hard time of moving away from my 'home country'.

K and I met online. Yes, the freakish kind of way. I met up with him because coincidentally we got to know that our mothers knew each other. Believe me, it was NOT love at first time. However, by the third date, I swore to myself, that if K was not the one, no one will ever be the one.

K was everything I wanted in a guy: intelligent, educated, clean and had a good simple dress style. He was level-headed and knew how to put me into place. He was short. I was short. We were like two shrimp. Can you imagine how short our kids would have been? ha ha. He never did show his feelings. He wasn't cold but he wasnt over-romantic either.

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just pick up the fone and say: Listen, K, I adore you...I miss you...You're the one for me...Am I the one for you so we can just get it on and end this drama...

Years ago, I once heard my father talking to someone and saying that when someone has his/her heart broken, one can go mental, bonkers. I laughed at the time and called anyone a sucker who went bonkers for a person...but now i understand those people who fell in love, got hurt and now lost it...

some hearts are broken into millions of pieces which is impossible to be whole again..in order for that heart to be whole again, the person who actually broke it can fully mend it again...thats my point...

i might want to start dating a totally new man. yes i think i do...but decency is hard to find nowadays..

guys like K, don't come long very often along my path it seems..

another final thing....How the hell did Matt from Busted win the Jungle? Have I missed something?????